It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known. (Part 3, Chapter 15)
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Walk of Death
Today I will die. This is not supposed to be a morbid statement, but it is true. I know I told my readers in my last post that I would not have anymore depressing posts, but this is truely not supposed to be sad. It is just a statement. Yesterday I went to visit Charles Darnay in jail. I decided before hand that I would drug him so he fell unconscious. Before that though, I convinced him to switch clothes with me. I told him some stupid stuff about how he needs fresh clothes or something. That is not the important part though. So after we switched clothes I drugged him. He took it like a champ...but he was out pretty quick. As the guards pulled him out, I stayed in the cell. The switch was made. I realized then that I would be facing my death. I am writing this last post while I am waiting in line for the Guillotine. I have heard that it is supposed to be pretty quick and painless. I cannot help but think of the future right now. All I want is for Lucie to be happy. I know that since she should be out of the country by now she is safe. That gives me such a relief. I know that I have hated Charles in the past but he treats her right and they will hopefully have a very good life together. Maybe they will have more kids....? I hope they think of me if they are thinking of names for a new baby. Well, my time has come to face my death. You guys have been a great audience. Goodbye.
The Manette's.....
I just got back from talking with Lucie. That took so much of me. I did not drink before I went over there, which was definitely a good thing. I told her everything...about how much of a bad person I am, how I am not going anywhere in life, how nothing will ever get any better than it is right now... Surprisingly once I told her all this I felt a lot better. She listened to everything that I told her and she did not judge me once. She has given me hope that I can start a better life from today on. I really have an energized feeling about myself right now and I cannot believe that I have posted so much depressing stuff. I want all my readers to know that I feel like a completely different person right now and that I won't be saying anything like that anymore... I even told Lucie how I felt about her. She was calm about it but at the end I told her that I would give my own life for her... Even though that sounds a little overboard it is completely true. I would do anything for that amazing woman and I hope she knows it.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Fill up the glass..but maybe stop?
Mr. Stryver plans to ask Lucie to marry him. That is the worst news I have ever heard. Then he made a rude comment about how I should marry someone with money so I am not poor. He is my boss and I was drunk but whatever. I guess I deserve that comment. I drank even more after he told me that, obviously. This makes me really mad. I don't know exactly how I feel for Lucy right now, but I know that that makes me upset. When I see Lucy all I think of is how beautiful she is. Her hair is gorgeous. But I heard that she does not want to marry him. That makes me laugh. Oh, how ignorant Mr. Stryver is. He thinks that I do not remember him telling me that because I was drunk, but that painful memory will be seared into my memory for ever. Maybe I should actually try and tell her how I feel. That would take a lot of courage but I think I should try...right?? There is no harm in trying. I think I am going to go there as soon as I can build up the courage. This is good. I will show her I am the man she desires!!
Today sucked
Today was a really weird day...I was sitting in court watching the trial of Charles Darnay and then he was aquitted. The jury was convinced that he looks exactly like me. I hate Charles. We do not look similar. I went right to the tavern right after that. But dang, people need to stop caring what I do with my life. Its really anonoying...why can I not just do what I want without people asking or judging me??? Then Stryver tries asking me about Lucie... Definitely not going to open that can of worms even if he prys. I was drunk though so who knows what I could have told him. I would never tell a soul about my feelings for Lucie...except for maybe Lucie herself but even that is a long shot. Lucie is such golden haired doll though. She would never think of me as someone good enough for her though. I know I am not good enough..Everyone knows that. I do not work hard in anything I do and no one could ever see me differently. I am not worth anyone's time. Life right now is just horrible. Lucie keeps popping into my mind...I really just need to build up the courage to talk to her right now.
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